The Decentering Men Project

Confession: I originally wanted to name this substack “The Decentering Men Project.”

I changed my mind only because there are lots of other things I want to talk about so that title seemed too limiting in the end. However, decentering men is a huge priority of mine.

As I’ve recently come to realize, I’ve actually been doing this work for quite a while. I just didn’t have the exact name for it until recently. But now that I do, it’s made so many things shift into place.

Before I start, I want to acknowledge the cis-hetero lens through which I’m speaking. This is all based on my experience as a woman who has dated men. Of course, my lived experience cannot reflect that of everyone. However, there might be some golden nuggets in here that almost everyone can learn and grow from.

Let’s begin with a quick definition of what decentering men means:

Decentering men simply means not making a man the goal or center point of your life.

They are not the goal. They are not the reward. They’re a nice-to-have—not a necessity. That’s it.

It’s a simple little concept that has far-reaching connotations.

It’s important to note that nowhere does this say anything about hating men or attacking their human rights, etc. This must be mentioned because it seems that whenever a woman mentions decentering men online, some men will arrive with their pitchforks at the ready, putting words in our mouths (and ironically, showing us a whole lotta proof of what we’re saying).

But in truth, decentering men really doesn’t have a lot to do with men at all. It has a lot to do with us and how we view our own self-worth. (Hence: The Self-Worth Project.)

For me, centering men was just something I did automatically. I was obsessed with love—or at least the idea of being in love—from a very young age. Looking back now, I can see this was much more than just hormones. It was a way for me to try to get the emotional fulfillment that I was starving for. I wanted to be seen, loved, and supported and I thought that I could achieve that through my dating life. (LOL! Silly me.)

I’ve done enough healing work to now see how that was my Wounded Inner Child at play. I’ve also done a lot of work to heal that part of me—and to forgive that teenage/20’s version of me who truly was so very wounded.

Confession: from ages 17-36, I was single for approximately 2.5 years. The rest of the time I was “happily” (lol!) paired up.

I didn’t see anything wrong with this at the time. Relationships and love came naturally to me (or so I thought).

I was chasing the implied promise that if I poured in all of myself, I would receive the same in return. But time and time again, that’s not what happened. Time and time again, my efforts were overlooked. I was taken for granted. I ran myself absolutely ragged trying to prove my love to people who ultimately seemed blind to it.

And for a long time, I thought that was a Me Problem. It’s only in the last few years that I could see that the problem was so much bigger than me. It was only after getting out of those toxic cycles that I could see how the entire operation was doomed from the get-go and how the system itself was set up to never give me what I really wanted.

I’m bringing all of this up not to aimlessly trauma dump, but because I want you to know just how deep I was into my old unhealthy patterns. I want you to know I was just as programmed as anyone else. I drank the Kool-aid and then some. I was more than happy to center men for most of my life. In fact, I welcomed it. I brought them in and handed over the keys to my life without thought. I was completely blind to seeing how much of my power I was giving away.

Frankly, I’m exhausted just thinking about it all now.

If you can relate to any of this at all, I just want you to know that there is another way to live your life.

Decentering men doesn’t mean never dating again. However, the way you date will change. When you’re not bending over backwards trying to get someone to like you (especially when that’s the only way you’ve ever been), who are you? When you’re not engaged in people-pleasing, will people still want to be around you? When you don’t have marriage as a life goal, then what does a long-term relationship even look like? (Still working on figuring that out!)

It also doesn’t mean not being friends with men. I have a lot of male friendships and I value them highly, as I always have. Decentering men doesn’t mean removing all men from your life entirely either. However, it does mean calling yourself out on your own BS. (Because you’re not actually being “friends” with men who you are secretly performing for. )

It does mean going into new romantic relationships in a very considered way. (But honestly, that should be the way it is anyway?) Your old patterns will simply no longer serve you so you will be forced to create new ones. However, if you were heart-centered (like me) that’s not what you’re used to doing. You’re used to following those feelings anywhere they led you and pouring all of your energy into a cup that didn’t want to be filled in the first place. So this work starts inside of you: what do you want and need? What does a great relationship look like to you (removing your old programmed ways of being and your fairy-tale fantasies)? Does this person actually reflect any of that or are you just projecting? Assuming? Idealizing?

Of course, you must also find a partner who’s also ready for at least some of this conversation—and honestly, it’s disheartening to realize how few of them are. A lot of men will naturally assume you’ll simply want to hop onto the van that’s driving down their life highway. They don't even think about the fact that you might be on a separate highway of your own. That means you’ll probably also have to grapple with loneliness at times. Because many men will simply not be okay with relationships that don’t center around them.

You’ll have to deeply shift all your ideas about what your life “should” look like. You’ll have to give up your dreams of the Knight in Shining Armour or the fairytale ending. (Because being forced to be someone’s cook and maid is not a fairytale at all.) You’ll be forced to figure out what a happy ending looks like without that ring or white picket fence. (But trust me: this one isn’t as bad as you think!)

Unfortunately, you’ll probably also struggle a bit with female friendships as well. One of the hardest lessons I’ve learned is that once you begin this work it’s incredibly difficult to watch your friends waste their energy chasing and flailing with people that don’t deserve them. It’s also impossible to be friends with someone who will blatantly value any man above you—even a random fugly dude they met 10 minutes ago (Basically, Pick Me’s make terrible friends.)

Even though I’ve come a long way, I’m far from an expert here. My own journey with decentering men is just beginning. There’s a lot of work that I haven’t truly explored myself. Some people choose to shun beauty standards as part of their work. Of course, I can see a lot of freedom in untying your sense of value from the way you look. However, I still make videos where I talk to the Internet at large and post online. The thought of doing this without some sort of prep work is terrifying. Is this truly problematic for me? That’s a question I’m still thinking about.

Decentering men also does not preclude all the other important healing work that needs to be done. I’m still working on creating my own secure attachment style. I’m still learning how to work with my Wounded Inner Child, and my protector parts. I’m still working on loving that poor wounded girl that I used to be.

Whether you’re on your own decentering men journey or not, I hope you found something useful here. In the end, creating a solid foundation within yourself is the most important work in the world, no matter which avenue you choose to pursue that through.